retired

I sold my triathlon wetsuit on Friday. My last race was in April 2008. I am officially retired from triathlon. I have no idea why I held on to it so long. When I moved back to New England I had grandiose ideas that I would join the local triathlon scene here and continue on in a sport that meant a great deal to me while living in SoCal. When I drove across country I found I didn't really miss my bike. Running has always been my true love so I was happy for the opportunity to run more. The summer I arrived in New England was the summer of crazy rain storms where the sky would just open up for a few hours in the afternoon and drench everything. I've never been crazy about riding in the rain. By the time fall came around I was ready to ride. I rode a few times but the riding is different here. The roads are in bad shape and there aren't miles of bike paths; you ride with cars, in traffic. I thought about finding a pool but never did. The swim was always my least favorite part of triathlon.

And yet, I still thought of myself as a triathlete and still fantasized about racing again. I would see groups of triathletes out for a group ride and think that I was still like they were, that I would be joining them just as soon as I ran out of excuses. The more time that passed, the less I wanted to be part of it all. It's like I knew that moving back east was the end. Triathlon was such a big part of my life in California. I loved it. I loved training and racing and being part of something bigger than myself. And I loved being fit and strong and knowing that I could accomplish just about any physical task that came my way. But I didn't like how crazy it made me, how easily it fed into my obsessive nature and how little time it left for anything else. I had to take a break after my bike crash and I found it really hard to get back into it afterwards and then I became preoccupied with getting out of California. It would be too easy to make a big metaphor out of all of this and say subconsciously that I was just ready for a Big Change and was ready to leave triathlon behind, but I think it's kind of true.

Change is hard and giving up something that was essentially my identity for seven years is really hard. So I held on to my wetsuit and silly fantasies about racing again, or even riding my bike again. But the passion I once had for the sport never came back and it just became absurd to look at my wetsuit hanging in my closet every time I went to get my coat. So I posted it on CraigsList and sold it to a women who said she was going to trash it while caving. It's bittersweet. I am glad to put that part of my life behind me but it's also a little hard to let go. Aside from school and all the related stress, I am generally in a good place. I'll never do another triathlon again and I am happier for it.