36

Libra: Happy Birthday: Helping others will be satisfying. Let your creativity lead you down new avenues, opening up greater opportunities to make new friends and to explore professional proposals. Stop letting your inner turmoil hold you back. Discuss matters that are eating away at you so you can finally put them behind you. You call the shots for a change. Your numbers are 1, 8, 13, 20, 24, 29, 36

This was my horoscope for today. Today is my birthday. I am 36. I am officially closer to 40 than I am to 30.

I've always had trouble with birthdays. It's not getting older that bothers me, it's feeling like I haven't met my own standards for myself for where I should be at my age. Birthdays are a time to take stock but it's hard to take stock of my own life and not feel like I come up short. And I'm in a pretty tough place right now so on this birthday I definitely feel what's missing, rather than what I have.

I actually had a good birthday. It was very very low key which I liked. My mom and my brother called. My two most difficult classes meet on Mondays and in both I got homework back that I did waaaaay better on than I thought. I took a quiz in Accounting that I either aced or failed. It was a beautiful cold, gray fall day and I loved walking to the subway after my last class, fighting the wind and exchanging "Can you believe this wind?" looks with my sidewalk mates. I didn't do any birthday celebrating, but more importantly I also didn't do any homework! I got some stuff organized for school but it seemed wrong to start reading 6 chapters of accounting tonight so I watched a movie instead. I am probably going to be wracked with stress and guilt about this choice all day tomorrow but for today it was the right thing to do.

I got two delightful surprises today. A long-lost friend sent me a very funny poem that she wrote and it's made me smile all day. I also got a wonderful, thoughtful email from a friend from afar. The email meant a lot to me and it both mirrored some of the things I've been thinking about lately and it fits in so well with my horoscope's advice to "Stop letting your inner turmoil hold you back."

This bears repeating: Stop letting your inner turmoil hold you back. I don't usually set goals for myself on my birthday like I do at New Year's. It's enough for me to get through the day without crying (too much). But considering how unsettled I've felt lately and considering the direction I've been heading lately I feel like I should get this phrase tattooed over every inch of my body so I can be mindful of it. If I could set one goal for myself for the year of age 36 it would be "Stop letting your inner turmoil hold you back." It's always easier to recognize what needs to be done but much more challenging to actually do it. I have started taking a few steps, baby steps actually, toward channeling the turmoil and quieting the noise and every so often I feel a tiny bit lighter. I am always aware of what's missing but I today I am also keenly aware of what I do I have and am very grateful for everything and everyone I have. Thank you.

There are a couple of hours left of my birthday so you'll have to excuse me if I cut this short (long?) to go lie on my couch and stay up too late, reading a novel. :-)