First week of classes, part 2

Lest you all think I am in the depths of despair, I thought I'd post a quick update to yesterday's post.

I met with my advisor yesterday and dropped my economics class. From what I can tell there are five required quantitative classes in the MBA program. I had three of them on my schedule this semester. When I explained my math background and how lost I am by all of the math concepts my advisor agreed that I should drop economics "posthaste" and take it in the spring, followed by the last required quantitative class (finance?) next fall. I am still a full-time student but now I have 5 classes instead of 6.

I am breathing slightly easier today. Instead of feeling like I am going to burst into tears at any second I feel like I am going to vomit at any second. Trust me, this in an improvement. Economics might be off my plate but I have 5 other classes that I haven't really wrapped my head around. I've read through a case for a class three times and I don't really understand what's happening in the case nor do I really understand what the professor wants us to do with it. It's a group project so I am terrified that I'll be the "dead weight" that brings the group down. My entire body is beating with my heart (thanks thyroid). I really do wonder if I am slow or dumb and only faking it very well has allowed me to get this far. Or maybe I am in the wrong program? Or maybe since I don't have a business background I don't yet understand how to think about business problems and I'll either figure it out or be pulled along as I go? Either way, I feel like my quantitative load is much more manageable. Spreading my ineptitude across 5 classes instead of 6 is going to make the other 5 easier, right?

I am still concerned that there is no joy in my life. Most people have something that motivates them to get out of bed every morning - family, kids, a job/career, a hobby, contributing to society, etc. The thing that motivates me to get out of bed every day is fear of failure. This doesn't seem like enough. There has to be something out there that I look forward to, that gives me peace or that I just simply enjoy. Life is short and going through the motions and holding my breath all the time hoping that I don't fail isn't enough. It's not how I imagined my life to be at this point.

At orientation last Friday the dean of the MBA program said that we should expect to spent 10 hours/week on homework/studying outside of each class. So that's about 13 hours a week total spent on each class. Ostensibly without economics I have 13 "extra" hours a week to spare. My goal is to use some of those 13 hours to find joy; to find something that makes me happy and gives me peace and gives me a break from not worrying about failing all the time. I still plan to re-evaluate my attendance in the MBA program at the end of the semester but I suspect if I can find something to balance the unbelievable amount of work and difficulty that I am (already) having in my classes, then the program will be part of a whole life, not just the only thing.