two years

Yesterday was my last day of work. The past few months of work have been absolutely miserable for a number of reasons. The frustrations that had been brewing since day one became unbearable and knowing that the end was so close, yet so far was really difficult to bear. Once I gave my notice I became absolutely invisible. Physically I was at work; but no one seemed to see me. It was like everyone had already counted me as gone; no one gave a damn what I was doing. I did what I had to do, finished up projects and tied up all of my loose ends but it all felt so useless, knowing that whatever I did was going to be changed the instant I left.

It was really hard to see what I accomplished, even harder to feel like I made a difference. It was only when I started to tell people I was leaving that those outside of the small department I worked for came forward to offer their thanks and their congratulations. Some of my favorite students were around over the summer and those who I told I was leaving looked at me so sadly and asked "Is there anyone else here as good as you?" which made me feel really really good. I know that I should seek validation from myself before seeking it from others but it's hard to validate yourself when you don't know what you're doing, don't know what you're supposed to be doing and don't get any feedback on anything.

As I was saying my last goodbyes to my co-workers, one of my co-workers told me she was really happy for me to be starting "the next chapter of my life." At this point I've had more chapters than a Tolstoy novel! It find it both frustrating and exciting to be in my mid-thirties and still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. When I think about all of the things I've done and all of the places I've lived and all of the choices I've made I can honestly say I don't regret a single one. (To be sure, I regret choices I haven't made or had the opportunity to make.) Life is really really short. And it can be really really hard. There is so much out there that I can't imagine living without trying out all the things I am interested in. I took a risk moving back to MA to start my last job and from the very beginning I knew it was a mistake. It's very difficult to push through something when you know from the start that it's not right and it's even harder to push through when you're dealing with some pretty profound lifestyle changes at the same time. I don't regret any of it though. That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? I put in two solid years and learned quite a bit. Without this job I never would have been able to put together the outline for the next chapter.

I have two weeks off before school starts. Mentally I've been ready for the time off for months. I've got some things planned but not enough to be busy, busy, busy. More than anything I need the head space to process my job and all of it's related drama and to put it behind me so I can start mentally preparing for school. This summer hasn't been all that great but I think two weeks is long enough to turn it all around :-) And now that I am done with work things can only get better!