Saturday, June 12, 2010

Why

I've been struggling a lot lately. I feel like I am either on a verge of a depression of epic proportion or I'm already deep in it. I know a lot of this stems from my job. What's been tolerable for the past year has morphed into the realm of unbearable. Things have gone from bad to worse to out of control. 10 more weeks. That's all that's left. I don't know if I can make it and I don't know that the depression will be gone by the end of it. And I'm so deep in it it's really hard to see anything good in any aspect of my life right now, particularly at work. Amazingly, today of all days, I got a reminder that there is a purpose to what I do and all the stupid bullshit mind games and power plays don't matter one lick.

Over the past (almost) two years I've gotten to know some of our students, some for the better and some for the worse. I love the student IT tech kids (man does it make me feel old to think of them as "kids"!!!) - they have worked miracles where the adult employees of IT have only provided excuses. They're geeky and funny and kind and sweet. I have my regular fan club in some of the criminal justice students too; students who ask for my help and are really grateful for what I can help them find and who come by to say hello and give me updates on their classes and internships. When I see students like these I am reminded why I like my chosen career and I will miss them when I leave.

Last summer I met one of our regulars. I'd helped R before but it had been all business. R had just returned from a summer abroad program in Italy and was telling me about it while I helped her find a book. R is from a working class Massachusetts town and the first in her family to go to college. Italy had been her first time out of the country and she said she was really scared at first because it was so different from what she knew (as an aside, R told me one girl actually left three days into the trip because she couldn't handle the culture shock and missed home too much). Once R relaxed and got into the experience she really loved it. It was obvious that she really grew from her trip to Italy and that made me unreasonably happy. R is really outgoing and ambitious and last summer she told me all about how she wants to go to Harvard some day to get a PhD in history. I remember R saying "Wouldn't it be so awesome if I could go to Harvard? Me, a girl from (small town x), the first one in my family to go to college, go to Harvard?!?!" I had no doubt this girl would go wherever she wanted to go. I saw R throughout the year but she was always busy studying, running to class, meeting friends, etc that other than smiling and waving we didn't really speak.

R was in the library today. I asked her how her summer was going. With a huge smile on her face she told me she had just found out she passed the MTEL (teacher licensing test for Massachusetts). She told me she had spent the day telling her professors, her tutors and getting everything in line for next semester. R will be a senior in the fall and now that she's passed the exam she can be a student teacher. She wants to be a high school history teacher. R also told me she's looking at graduate schools and wants to go to Lesley College, a small private school in the Boston area known for its education programs and is arranging tours and financial aid counseling so she can have everything in order by the time she (presumable) gets in. I kiddingly asked her what happened to Harvard and R said that she was so excited about passing the exam that she really just wants to get into the classroom to teach and the she could go to Harvard or do a Fullbright for teachers. The girl has plans! R talks a mile a minute and is so excited about her life and the choices she making and the opportunities she's creating that I nearly felt teary with pride thinking how far this girl would go. I am so freaking proud of this girl! I have nothing to do with her success other than to share in her happy dreams and to encourage her in whatever way I can but R is the kind of success story that makes me feel good about my job and about the college.

Last summer while R was telling me about her trip to Italy I happened to mention that my first time out of the country had been to a similar program in Japan. R got really excited and said I had to meet her friend A who was looking into doing a year abroad program to Japan. A hasn't had an easy few years. She was born and raised in City F and went to the state college in City F. Both of her parents died within the past three years and she has a younger brother who's a senior in high school. She hasn't spent much time outside of central Massachusetts and has not had a lot of opportunities. And she's certainly known her share of tragedy. Despite all this A decided that she wanted to go to Japan for a year!

Off and on throughout the past year A would come into the library to say hello and ask me various things about Japan. I spent hours with A, giving her advice about which schools to apply to (with help from my own Japanese network), where to stay (dorms or homestay), what to expect and a million other things. I also just listened gave her a lot of support while she talked through everything she was thinking about Japan. I saw A on Wednesday and she's leaving for Japan on August 24. Her visa is in progress, she won a $5000 Rotary scholarship, she's working on buying her plane ticket and packing and studying Rosetta Stone Japanese. On top of all this, she and her brother are selling their house, she finishing up her internship and making plans to eventually work in Japan after her year is over. I am so freaking proud of A!! Under any circumstance Japan can be a culture shock and pretty intimidating; compound it with everything else A is dealing with and the decision is that much more challenging. A is determined to go and I have no doubt she is going to learn so much from the experience and enjoy it so much. And I feel so lucky that I was able to help her along the way and give her guidance and support that she's probably not getting a lot of from anywhere else.

Thank you R and A for reminding me that it's you who matter, not all the office politics foolishness that daily reduce me to tears. It's you. Thanks for the reminder.

4 comments:

  1. Loved this post! Thanks for sharing these stories - I'm so glad you were there to support and inspire these students. It's people like you that drew me to this profession and make me proud to be apart of it.

    I completely understand how 10 weeks can feel like an eternity. And I'm so sorry that your work situation sounds more life-draining than life-giving for you. I wish you could just skip right to the next stage of your life. But you are coming to the end of this marathon, and you WILL finish! And you should be proud of the character and determination you've shown in reaching that ending with grace and professionalism.

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  2. A trip outside of one's comfort zone is always a marvelous and enriching experience. Specially if you go to Italy where history and passion meet. Good post. Thanks!

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  3. Very inspiring post for me, too. I'm burning out in my career, mostly I think due to changed priorities (namely, JASPER) and budget-crunch, lack-of-support-from-above worklife such as it is these days...

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  4. Slangred - I cannot believe what's (I've heard) been happening at PPL these days! Furloughs but no cuts in service? And I can only imagine how the higher ups have been propaganda-izing everything. What a mess. And it seems like the entire state of CA's finances are imploding with no improvements in sight. How's B doing? Still at GPL? Still looking to leave? Are you still taking classes? I feel like I am taking a huge risk going back to school full-time but I would rather come out of it at the end broke and unemployed than unemployed and completely miserable. Sad that decisions have come to that. MISS YOU!!! Are you guys coming east - to MA to NJ - this year??

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