holly-daze

It's almost Christmas and after that it will be almost New Year's. Shocking, I know. I feel like this year has flown by though I cannot point to any significant events of the year. It's all a blur. A good-ish blur, but a blur nonetheless.

I am having trouble getting in the Christmas spirit this year. I just don't feel it. And it's not that every year I get pumped up and think "Yeah! It's Christmas!" it's just that usually I feel something. I can find some kind of minor joy or anticipation out of something. This year I can't and I really really want to. Strangely despite not really celebrating the holidays in any way in SoCal, I could always find some joy and some excitement. I spent so many years away from my family during the holidays that Christmas became like any other day. To get everything mailed in time I'd have to finish my holiday shopping right after Thanksgiving. I spent Christmas Eve with my mom's family in L.A. but I always felt like such an outsider there. On Christmas Day my family would call and pass the phone around. I'd get to talk to everyone for a couple of minutes and then I'd go back to doing my own thing, which usually meant going to the movies. I didn't get a tree or decorate or feel like there was anything worth celebrating. Holidays are about family and my family wasn't in SoCal. So I ignored the holiday and pretended like it was any other day and pretended like I was ok with it being any other day. Despite all of this, I did find myself getting caught up in the season. Maybe because I lived in a city with hustle and bustle and so many people who were getting caught up in the season that you literally couldn't escape it if you tried. Now I live in the middle of nowhere with nary a bustle in sight I just can't find what I think I'm looking for.

Now that I am back on the east coast the holiday season feels the same way but with a different edge. My grand-parents all died this year decreasing my family size by 50%, leaving my parents, brother, uncle and me. There are no kids in our family, no distant cousins on this coast. It's just us which feels very small and very ordinary. I haven't decorated. About half my stuff has been boxed up while I wait to close on the dramatic saga of condo purchasing. I donated to the food bank, Toys for Tots and the holiday drive that my campus sponsored. We had our snow last week but it's mostly melted leaving dirty ice patches. My mom and I hit a couple of holiday art and craft shows last weekend but I was struck by how un-holiday-like they felt. My gift list was short, stressful to complete, but done. I don't have the guts to tackle gluten-free cookie making though I am going to try my hand at a flourless chocolate torte next week. I feel like I am going through the motions, doing the things that should feel holiday-like. The pretending isn't working.

I feel like yet again, I am in limbo this holiday season, and being in limbo is the worst place I can possibly be any time of the year - it's frustrating, depressing and leads me to doing things and making decisions that when I'm feeling more upbeat I wouldn't even consider. I hate feeling like my life is on hold; I don't like the status quo. I am waiting on the condo to close, waiting for my job to end and school to start, seeing a guy who probably isn't going to last long and waiting for it to end, just waiting. And while I am waiting I feel like I am making desperate stabs at feeling something this holiday season which is making me feel worse. Not a good combination. When all my entries in January and February and written under the veil of depression, you'll know why :-)

I've packed my two most favorite holiday movies - The Charlie Brown Christmas Special and Home for the Holidays - so I watched It's a Wonderful Life last weekend. Have you watched it lately? It's been ages since I've seen it and I was shocked at how depressed the first part made me feel. George Bailey is forced to make all of these choices and give up the life he wants to lead to stay in Bedford Falls and take over the family business. I complete empathize with his trapped feelings but I think that I haven't reached that "aha!" moment where I can look around and feel like I am happy with the choices I made and that I am pleased with the way my life turned out. I feel restless and anxious, like I am going to be waiting for something (whatever that something is) the rest of my life. I was doing ok for a while, making plans and purposefully changing, but the holiday season and this weird circumstances of events putting me in limbo has left me feeling lost again. The pressure of "c'mon! it's the holiday season! get with it!" isn't helping. I am bone tired of the constant searching.

I don't feel Bah Humbug and Scrooge-like. I just don't feel anything despite how much I really really want to. There's only a week left. Christmas spirit - where are you??