Going home

I wish I knew where home was. I wish I knew where I belonged. Supposedly this conundrum is because I am a Gen Xer. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't but I don't know a lot of fellow Gen Xers who at least outwardly don't show their internal chaos that I do.

I went back to Massachusetts this weekend for yet another second interview. Different school, same format. By the end of the day I was tired of smiling and sick of my cheerfulness. I think it went well, but it's hard to say. There are 5 other candidates so it's really a crap-shoot. I thought I did well before but I was the runner-up/also ran.

I think it's been pretty well established that I don't fit in Southern California and I am tired of my life here. I've been here almost 7 years and it's not what I want. I have done a lot of work in the past year and a half and have improved myself and my situation but it's still a very alien (and alienating) place. My thought it that moving back to New England/Massachusetts will be better. I am sure it will be better but I lack the faith and confidence in myself to either a) embrace happiness in whatever form it takes and b) stop searching so desperately for something that may or may not exist (i.e. settle).

If they offer me the job I will accept it. I don't necessarily want the job but I need the opportunities it can provide - experience to get another job, the possibility of another degree, closer to lunatic family members, etc. And I have to believe that I will continue to like the person I am on the east coast. If they don't accept me, I have no idea what I will do - it's a very bleak future.