Today was a beautiful fall day, for Southern California that is. I was really hoping it would be grey and gloomy but the damn sun came out afteral. It was the perfect day for a bike ride. I told x that I needed to do a solo ride to do some thinking and I am glad I did. I rode for 51.1 miles up and down the San Gabriel River Path and Santa Fe Dam. Pretty flat, a little windy, path was pretty clean for a change. There was about 6" of water in one of the tunnels which was pretty gross to ride through. For a few miles afterwards I swear my bike smelled like a sewer. Ew! Nothing really bothered me on the ride - not the wind, not the sun, not the fact that I really had to pee the whole way back (ok, maybe that last one bothered me a lot) - I had a lot on my mind.
I am a great internalizer. I would rather die than burden someone with my problmes and half the time I don't think I have the right vocabulary to take about what's on my mind anyway. So I keep it inside and it gnaws at my until I am unable to carry on the most simple of conversations:
Friend: Do you want to have lunch?
Me: (stunned silence)
It's not pretty.
I go to therapy once a week to try to talk about my feelings and I usually end up talking about what has happened to me rather than how I feel about what's happened. I try to feel as a little as possible. This create a whole other host of problems but it's more than I've ever done in the past.
My problems are thus:
(Censored: Oh, you're changing your heartOh, you know who you are)
I have an interview in MA on Thursday. I want this job!!! For the interview I have to teach a 50 minute class on a topic of my choice. I think I have the presentation down but I don't want to fuck it up and I am worried about flubbing some part of the rest of the interview too. I am worried that moving back to New England represents a failure of some kind and there's a worry that the idealized version in my head isn't going to match up with what's really there.
How do the x's fit into all of this? I have no frigging idea!
What if I get the job??
What if I get the job!!!
Pressure pressure pressure!
Work stuff for the job that I have now
I should be swimming more often than I am now otherwise I will never improve
Life would be so much easier if I could just ride all day every day. I would be untouchable and invinceable and I could process everything that happens to me without having a total breakdown. How much longer before retirement??
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