28 - friends

I've never had a lot of friends. Sure, I know tons of people and have lots of people to hang out with but I am not sure if I would call most of them friends. I've never had someone in my life that I was so close to that I could call just to chat or spontaneously go somewhere or that I could tell anything to. Like a friend. Sure, there's Facebook. But really, how well do I know any of my 158 friends? Or they know me? I find it difficult to let people close to me; my walls are higher up than they should be. And at this point in my life, creating a friendship requires more time than I have to have. And making new friends at age 37 is pretty hard.

This has been a difficult year in many ways. Not having someone I can just call to vent to or hang out with has been really really hard. Everything I've gone through I've held inside. I've made friends since I've been back to New England but I've already moved a few times which tends to strain the bonds of a blossoming friendship. Babies also changes the dynamic when one person has one and you and your partner take about getting a cat someday (and not a baby). Another group has sort of welcomed me into their group but I am aware that my place standing waxed and waned depending on a series of complicated social maneuvers. And there's that whole no time and no money to do expensive, extravagant things. And honestly, I'm no longer sure if I want to be part of that group (What's the quote? I wouldn't want to be part of a group that would have me as a member?) anymore. I miss my friends in SoCal but time and distance changes friendship dynamics.

I am crying as I write this. I've had a tough couple of days and just got another really bad haircut. I shouldn't be crying - this is about things I'm grateful for! There have been a few unexpected developments in the friends department, those who under different circumstances just weren't there and those who've been there right along. I am truly grateful to this year, for showing me who my friends really are. And I'm grateful for the friends that I do have, old and new, near and far. I miss you all so very very much.